you're like a bully in the Christmas story
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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