Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
