I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
