I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
