i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
