he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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