found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
