On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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