I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
