Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
