your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
