anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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