He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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