I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Randomize
