I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
