i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i now understand why vodka
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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