Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
