Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
