Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
