Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
