her vagine was all disorganized.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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