I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
