I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You can't special order awesome
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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