Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
