Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
