And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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