I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
