I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
