Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
