he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
