im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
