This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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