I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Randomize
