Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
