like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
