My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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