Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
