i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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