There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
