Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
