today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
