Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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