my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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