My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
