john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
