So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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