He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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