Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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