this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
