you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
