Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
