Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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